Mummy Madness: Anxiety and Babies!

Hey Guys!

This is my first post in a new series 'Mummy Madness'. All of the posts in this series will be about my day to day life as a mum and the difficulties and challenges, as well as the fun stuff! I hope you like what you read!

As you know, I'm currently juggling being a mum and getting my university degree, and if you saw my last post 'What's next for me?' then you'll also know that I've applied to a University near me in which I will be leaving Isabella with a family member whilst I attend Uni and I've also applied for jobs working nights, which means I will be leaving Isabella with her dad whilst I catch up on sleep... and I am terrified.

The thought of leaving Isabella for even a few hours causes major anxiety for me. My heart races, I feel sick, I start sweating and shaking (It's called a panic attack- my counsellor tells me) and I start to cry. It's sooo silly and frustrating because I know for a fact that Isabella will be more than fine with family and her dad and I know for a fact that she will have loads of fun and probably won't even notice my absence but I still find myself panicking.
 I feel guilty for leaving her and I am terrified she will get hurt and I won't be there, or she will be tired and want mummy cuddles and she will feel abandoned. It's absolutely ridiculous of me to feel like this, but I do and it makes it so hard to make decisions about my own future in regards to my career and the steps I need to take to gain this career. I find myself holding back because I don't want to leave Isabella. 

I constantly have to remind myself that when she turns two, I will have no choice but to leave her because she will need to start attending nursery and if I don't get to grips with my anxiety I will end up holding her back in her development which is obviously the last thing I want to do. When I feel these panic attacks coming on I have to focus on breathing in and out and telling myself she will be fine, that she has been with family and her daddy without me before and she will be absolutely fine but it still takes a while for me to calm down. 

I am really struggling with the idea of going to university and work and not having Isabella with me but I know it is the right thing for me and for Isabella and I know that when I look back on this in a few months time when i'm used to leaving her I will probably laugh at myself for ever worrying in the first place. 

I will keep you guys updated with how leaving her for the first time goes when it happens.

Thanks for reading. 

        S xx

What's next for me?!

Hey Guys!

I have been thinking a lot recently about what I want to do with my life and where I would like to be in the next 5 years and it hasn't been easy to figure out how to get what I want because I am so focused on raising Isabella that I have pushed my wants and needs aside for her. Isabella is 1 now, and with how quick this year has gone, it won't be long before she starts nursery which leaves me with a lot of spare time on my hands to put myself first for a change. 

 I've never really known what I wanted to do with my life. It wasn't until I got an apprenticeship as a business administrator for a mortgage broker, and really enjoyed it, that I decided that was what I wanted to do for a living... and then I got pregnant and my whole mindset shifted. It was no longer about me and what I wanted but about this baby. 

Don't get me wrong, it still is and always will be about Isabella but in order to give her the lifestyle she deserves, I have to get my life together first and right now that means deciding what my next steps are in order to gain the opportunities need to be able to fund the lifestyle I want for Isabella and myself.

I've decided that being a student through The Open University is just not enough for me. Of course it is highly beneficial and I am enjoying the degree I have chosen to do but I want more. I want to be able to attend University in person and meet new people. I want the student lifestyle as much as is possible with a child. I feel like I am missing out on quite a bit by doing it online. Although my studies are funded, I get no other financial help from being a university student with The OU and this is really difficult as financially I am not in the best place since right now I am not working, and going to a University that offers a maintenance loan is much better for me and Isabella as we can then afford to move out and finally get our own home.  I have emailed a University near me and asked them if there is a way I can get on their course due to having nearly completed my first year with The OU. I am hoping that they will consider letting me on the course without A Levels because my first year with The OU is similar to doing a foundation course at the University. I don't mind if I have to start again with what I have already studied but I am hoping that they will transfer what I have done so far across so that I don't have to re-study it. 

I am also looking at night jobs for Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights as Anthony is off work from Friday to Sunday so he can have Isabella whilst I catch up on sleep from the night shift. I have an open day tomorrow night at a local casino which includes a mini interview so I am hoping they will give me the job. At least then if I don't get the chance to attend the University near me for any reason, I will still be earning more money than I am currently on. 

I will keep you guys updates as to whether I get the job or not! 

         S xx

Baby's first birthday!

Hey Guys!

I cannot believe I am actually blogging this because it seems so surreal to be celebrating Isabella's first birthday, yet here we are! We made it. Our first year of raising a new born baby into a tiny tot has been the most amazing journey and I have learned so much about myself during it. It has been a tough year with trying to get things right for Isabella in regards to her home and our finances but we have somehow managed. There are still lots of achievements to make but we are getting there slowly. We have had some hiccups along the way but overall it has been an absolutely wonderful year. I am so proud of the little tot Isabella is becoming, she is super intelligent and such a cheeky character. I could not have asked for any more.

Her birthday was on the 7th Feb. We didn't go all out for her birthday, mainly because she got so many toys for Christmas that there wasn't actually a lot more we could get her so we kept the presents small. We bought her a SmartTrike which she absolutely loves. It's a really sturdy trike and is so easy to use. It's age range is from 10 months to 36 months and it really ticked all the boxes for us. It has parental control for stage 1 which is when they are too young to peddle but as they grow you slowly take the parent steering handle and the parental control off and they can then peddle themselves.

We took her to Funopolis for the day, which as a giant soft play for kids. She had an absolute ball. We kept her party small, only inviting her closest relatives as we didn't want to make too much of a fuss and have her getting overwhelmed and over tired. She had so much fun playing in the ball pit, going down the slide with her daddy and opening all of her presents. For the extended family, we did a tea party at isabella's grandma's house where we had cake, buns, pizzas and the rest of her family got to see her enjoying the last of her birthday. 


I have been looking forward to, and also dreading, this day for a long time now. I am so happy she is now 1 and I am excited for what is to come but part of me is honestly just overwhelmed at how quickly her birthday arrived. It only feels like yesterday that she was born, but at the same time feels like a life time ago. I am in awe of how quickly she has grown and developed. How quickly this year has gone has definitely taught me to cherish every single second because they really don't stay babies for long!

Thanks for reading!

           S xx